Cell Phone Divorce

Dear New Cell Phone,

There are some things I need to discuss with you. When I started this relationship, I really believed I was moving on to a less complicated life. I know it’s not right to talk about your Ex Cell Phone to your new Cell Phone, but I believe it’s necessary to illustrate where I’m coming from.

I ended my relationship with iphone 3G because I really thought things were getting out of hand. I don’t mind picking up the tab once and awhile, but he was expensive. I found myself paying an extra $30 a month for him to tell me things that my best friend, MacBook Pro conveniently told me all the time. I was also paying for the use of Apps, which I did not ever need. I was tired of scolding myself for buying the hype and becoming another iphone groupie. He obviously did not care about me.

I chose you because I thought you were different. You have limited bells and whistles, but I had been burned by good looks and fancy packaging in the past and was ready for change. However, despite your lack of extras, you seem to be a hell of a lot more complicated.

Why does it now take me 8 steps every time I want to find a phone number? I feel as though you are withholding my contacts. Why do you not conveniently tell me how many messages I’ve missed on your screen at all times instead of just on your temporary screen that disappears after I hit “ignore”. Sometimes I need to make a call and cannot spare the time to see exactly what messages I have missed. But then I forget that I have missed messages and have to go through your five thousand menu options before I can find out again how many messages I’ve missed. By this time I’ve missed more messages and possibly the opportunity to play Trivia-a-Go-Go on Live with Regis and Kelly. You may have cost me thousands in valuable prizes, Cell Phone. I do not appreciate it.

I thought it would be neat to have a slide out keyboard (your one bell and whistle), but your buttons are so small that I have difficulty um… completing my tasks. There. I said it. Your buttons are small and therefore you are inadequate.

You are hungry all the time and you lie about it. This is strange. Do you have some type of eating disorder that you are concealing from me? I charged you completely the other day and then forgot to charge you the following night. You seemed fine the next day, valiantly displaying your three-quarters full battery. But then I made one phone call, ONE 5 MINUTE phone call, and you died! What the hell? Again, I may have missed my phone call with Regis and Kelly. But you won’t tell me that, will you? I’ll have to pry it out of your compact, useless little self.

I think I want to start seeing other cell phones.