When you uncharacteristically said, “Hey, why don’t I wake up early with you so we can get the kids to school and then go grab coffee?” I figured that meant WE are freaking getting up and getting the kids to school. I know I should’ve pinched myself to see if I was dreaming, or at least made you sign some kind of promissory note to make sure the statement was legit. But I did not, and perhaps it is my own lack of foresight that I should be upset about.
I assumed your statement implied that someone is packing lunch for Child A and a different someone is helping Child B get some clothes on. Somehow, like the poetic, slow-motion, machine-gun wielding dance-like scene from Mr. and Mrs. Smith, we would work synergistically through the “I don’t wanna go to school” tantrums, toothpaste on the ceiling, “I lost my homework” chaos that is morning. WE would get the kids to school.
Imagine, just for a moment, the near-homicidal thoughts that may have gone through my mind when, Cheerios are on the floor, Child A is screaming because he tried to zip his pants by himself and caught his pee-pee, I’ve got T minus 8 minutes to get it together and get un-brushed, undressed, unruly offspring into the vehicle and YOU are still sleeping.
And then for a moment, just a moment… I know, I know it’s a stretch…but try if you will to imagine the restraint it took to keep myself from strangling you with an electric cord when you wake up in time to see me hauling ass out the door only to say, “You didn’t make coffee this morning?”
